Angstiety

I woke up. There was sadness draped over everything like dew in the mornings. A wetness drizzled over the world, but the consistency of misery. The clock. Computer. Stove. Phone. Dead. There wasn't a time. Written on my arm in huge black sharpie MIDDLESEX. And I remembered. Her hands were so soft. For those few minutes I was so in love. And Her mouth. Where had the other one been. Where had we gone. Who was this invading my fantasy? Her home was beautiful. But I needed those hands. I was drinking blood. We all were. Happy. Fucked up. And all drinking the blood. I was vomitting in my cup. I'm fairly sure. I had to leave. I had to know the time. And I saw 4:17 and I knew there weren't any cigarettes, but more drugs. I cried the whole way home, and here they were to cradle my tears. The drugs again. But Her hands. They were so soft. And Her skin is so smooth. Her mouth. Big. Red. Perfect. Her frail ivory skeleton, silk poured over Her. Draped in pearl skin, She was a godess. My godess with lashes of lace. And all I could think was kiss & blow. I had to get out. There was no time. She wasn't there, and I saw it. That wretched place. Grease filled Hell. I was crying. Sobbing. Gasping. And the drugs are still here, but no cigarettes. How could you? Set fire to something like us. Spit on something so holy, send what we were up in flames. We'd made love there. So many times. But no more. Just like Her, and the cigarettes, and the time. Something like us. Its gone. And I'm crying and its so awful. And the drugs are still here.

A while ago I forgot how to like me. Not love myself, just to have a self & be okay with it. At some point I gave myself away. I gave myself to you & I'll never have that me back again. She's yours now. She's yours forever. You left me without an identity. I was a hollow shell of you. & I loathed you. I couldn't be you anymore. I wasn't you. There I was. Without a me. Without a you. Without me as you always wanted. & I told myself I wasn't okay. I told the skeleton I had become that I wasn't alright. I had to learn. I had to learn about learnin' & think about nothin'. I've been taught. Taught to see & think & hear & write & sing again.
I'm singing again.
I've learned to create & I've created. I've filled the empty shell you left me with. I've overflowed it & I'm a me again. I've made myself. I didn't create it, but it was created. I now see with you there can't be a me. & thats all I ever wanted. Was to be able to show you. To show you what I can create. What I know, my love. But with you there never was a me. & its so horrible. I know you'd love this me. & I know this me will always love you. But that just can't be. & I know you'd be so happy for me. I know you'd love me & touch me & want me. But that won't ever be. Because as much as I need you still. You're you can't be with my me.