How To Not Be A "Psycho Hose Beast" On Valentines Day

I was debating whether or not to make this post all week, when in a fit of destiny I found myself being quite the Psycho Hose Beast last night. Everyone knows that this thing we call Valentines Day has the potential of turning even the sweetest lady into a hormonal fit of rage and vengeance, but I vote nay, I vote by all means we try to suppress our beastery and allow ourselves to enjoy all the hearts and affectionate goo. If for no other reason than it's  a lot better than watching movies and crying into your ice cream all night.  

Part I: What is a Psycho Hose Beast?

We've all seen Wayne's World and if you haven't you should. Stacy is referred to by Wayne as a Psycho Hose Beast because 

Stacy: Happy anniversary, Wayne. 
Wayne Campbell: Stacy, we broke up two months ago. 
Stacy: Well, that doesn't mean we can't still go out, does it? 
Wayne Campbell: Well, it does actually, that's what breaking up is.

In short, a Psycho Hose Beast is someone whose feminine insanity gets the best of them and in turn makes them act psychotic, clingy, and vengeful. Valentines Day does this to many of us. It may involve running up to your ex with a present, a knife and/or machete, or random acts of violence on innocent strangers. 

Part II: What to do about it.

Step 1: Know Your Feelings

When these overwhelming emotions of sadness, loneliness, or anger come over us it's easy to blame it on so and so or fucking Halmark and love and the gods but really it's probably displaced emotions of all the crap going on in your life. Daddy issues are a clear example of this: displaced feelings about your father that lead to you dating an asshole. It happens! But if you know what you're feeling, and who you should be feeling it towards you are much much less likely to make an ass out of yourself. 

Step 2: Allow Yourself To Feel Them (within reasonable limits)

It's important to know what you're feeling in life, and it's important to feel it. So whatever it is your feeling don't bottle it up, get that shit out. As long as it doesn't harm yourself or those around you I encourage you to go crazy. Myself as an example: I really enjoy throwing things when I'm mad. Things I've learned: Don't throw your phone. Burn shit, break shit, paint a wall about it just get it out and get on with your life.

Step 3: Reward Yourself For Being Insane

If you have the skill and rationality to fight off your inner Hose Beast, you deserve a reward. You can take a tip from Cher on this one, (Don't try to date a gay guy on Valentines Day) DO send yourself flowers, buy yourself chocolate, take yourself shopping. I like to spend three hours in a bubble bath with wine and a book to reward myself for not being a bitch. 

Step Four: Remember It Sucks For Everyone

It's not just the single ladies that have a shitty day this time of year. It's anyone that expects the fact that it's Valentines Day to suddenly make their life filled with meaningful companionship that has a shitty day. Couples all over the world have to both work today, and are both mad at each other for it! Some couples can't be together because of war, illness, and a bunch of really sad stuff. Worst case scenario: no one's screwed you over, dying, or sick, and you're just single! So quit bitching and go out and enjoy your life!